K.A.

7 years, where can I even begin…I was always a happy kid full of laughter, diva poses, and smiles. But that soon changed when I entered the wonderful years of hormones, drama, and rumors (AKA middle school). It was the 7th grade, I had the same core friend group from elementary school with a few additions from the previous year. Everything was fine, or so I thought. 

I soon learned there were rumors spreading about me and I was now considered a bad friend. I had learned specifically what was said about me, but reflecting back on this time I can’t recall. I have thrown this memory so far back into my brain. I had never cried so hard and felt so lost in myself until that second. Everything in life came crashing down and affected me more than I could ever imagine at that time. Rumors happen and friend groups change. But for me, it took a twisted and dark turn. I soon found myself not wanting to go to school and face these people everyday. I had missed over 20 days of school that semester being “sick.” I lost trust in everything, everyone and would spend years rebuilding this comfort. I began to experience thoughts and emotions that I couldn’t understand nor truly realized how they were encompassing me. Mental health was never a topic discussed early on in school and because of that, I was never able to properly convey how I was feeling. This left me feeling lonely at all times even within my family. As my schedule continued to fill and the stress of school amped up into high school I found myself getting worse.

I had the boyfriend, a 4.0 GPA, and an ASB position. You could say life was going amazing, but behind my eyes there was so much more. I thought life would be better but oh could I have been so wrong. Many of the troubling moments of high school truly blend together, but they were all the same. I was depressed, anxious, had suicidal ideation, and lacked confidence in myself. I would cry myself to sleep on many nights, lay awake with thoughts zooming throughout my brain, and shake uncontrollably and out of nowhere. My body would feel exhausted and sore as I walked the halls feeling like an invisible zombie. I continued to struggle finding my place with friendships and would never hang out with anyone outside of school. I was barely staying afloat but was scared to reach out. I overworked myself and was driven in school so no one would think anything was wrong. I liked living in the shadows, but also wished someone would just shake me out of my denial. 

I remember a singular day out of so many where I truly hit the deepest point. I now live with a tiny scar from this day on my left wrist. I was home alone, anxious to the max, and thoughts began to overwhelm me into panic. I didn’t know what to do, where I truly was, or understand that someone could help. I poured my heart into my notes as my vision was blurred by the endless stream. I had written 2 notes, that no one has ever seen nor known about, to my family and to Justin. I was done, I was ready, I was planning. I craved to experience physical pain to explain the emotional pain billowing in side of me. As I sat with tears streaming down my face, I took my knife across my wrist and felt the sting of its cut as the blood trickled out. At this moment I realized I wasn’t ok. And that it’s ok to not be ok. I immediately called Justin on the phone and he talked me down from my panic attack and would soon arrive to hold me for as long as I needed. Now this scar is a battle wound for me and a daily reminder of how far I have come. Everyday is still a battle, but they have become tinier, easier to win, and less frequent. I have faced my denial and was officially diagnosed with moderate/severe depression, severe anxiety, and panic disorder last year, a step in the direction to regain control over my life. 

I truly don’t think I would be here today without the support and love that began to surround me. I had met my boyfriend the first day of freshman year and was in for the ride of my life. He has been there for me for every step in my journey battling mental health and has learned the best ways to support me in my darkest moments. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary last week and every year the greatest gift is having him. He has encouraged me to seek professional guidance, been my person to hold and ground me in times of panic, and reteach me what it is to have trust and strong relationships with others. I didn’t find my people until the middle of my senior year, but those girls have done more for me than I could ever imagine. I still overthink and struggle with making strong connections with others, but people throughout my recent years have opened my caged heart to love from all again. I have never told my full story to anyone, but Justin. My family has no idea and most of my friends don’t know the details. The community I have surrounded myself with since January of my senior year have truly turned my life right side up. Justin, my girlies from home, my roommates, my AOII sisters, and the Diablo squad have filled me with laughter and smiles once more, and could never thank them enough for being my home. 

To all of those who connect with my story, know there are more of us. You aren’t alone. Mental health has long been taboo, but strides have been made to break down these barriers. Seek guidance from a friend, loved one, professional, and even a simple cuddle with your pet can bring a grounding to life in these moments. This battle isn’t fluid nor following a schedule. It’s ok to not be ok, but remember that life is beautiful. The ocean waves, the swaying of giant redwoods, the serenity of birds chirping, and the brisk mountain air make this world beautiful, but so do you. You matter, we all do. Ask for help and ask others if they need help. A simple check in can make someone’s day better, but can be life changing for someone else.