J.L.

I met a beautiful boy one night. The second I saw him, I made it my mission that night to at least talk to him. One conversation was all it took and I was head over heels for him. He opened up to me about his life, goals, and ambitions. Although our relationship was strictly platonic for the next several months and we did not really talk much after that initially meeting, I could not stop thinking about him. A few months passed and he unexpectedly reaches out and asks me out on a date. I vividly remember that first date as if it just happened yesterday -- it was so amazing, we decide to go out the next day. After those two dates, two weeks of talking on the phone and an entire week spent together, a romantic relationship begins. My head was in the clouds, my stomach full of butterflies, and I felt extreme overwhelming happiness. This was the first time I had felt such a strong connection towards someone. All those feelings consumed me. I was completely, madly in love with him. I fell in love with his mind and his heart. I loved the way he expressed himself, his goal-oriented drive, his passion, and his values. I would always think to myself,”Wow! How did I get so lucky?!?” I was over the moon, and he apparently was too. Things moved so quickly that within a month, we were already living together.

This love story started with huge intense and passionate love, which left no space for me to see the chaos and red flags. The relationship was possessive and obsessive, filled with poetic language, intoxicating love and grand gestures. Our relationship lasted two in a half years. Those two in a half years were both the best and the worst [of my life]. When it was good, it was REALLY good, but when it was bad, it was REALLY bad.  I experienced gaslighting, mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse. He would build me up, just to tear me down. He would purposely say or do things to trigger me, joke about my insecurities and made me believe my feelings were invalid. Each argument and disagreement we had was blamed on me. I never felt heard or understood during conversations with him. Not once. He would listen, and then say, “but what you say doesn’t make sense,”“it doesn’t matter,” “you are being too emotional,” “you are overreacting,” or “you are wrong and stupid.” As if that was going to make me shut up and accept his point of view. But of course I did, because I did not want to upset him. I would still try to argue sometimes, because my need to be understood and heard was very strong. 

However, after a while I began to believe everything he would tell me and accepted whatever treatment because I loved him. He never took responsibility for his own actions. He blamed me incessantly, even for his own abusive behaviour. When confronted, he always had some excuse to justify himself. At his hands, I was subjected to insults, put-downs, shoutings, and sometimes physical violence. I was criticized, called names, humiliated, intimidated, and punished. Sometimes he disguised his snide or hurtful comments as humor. I found that even the subtlest comment could hurt me as much as the stronger, louder and more obviously denigrating statements. He typically ended his verbal assaults by accusing me of provoking his abuse or telling me that I deserved it. He shunned my explanations and what I might say in my own defense. I can’t pinpoint when things took a turn in our relationship. In hindsight, I can see the red flags, and they were there since the very beginning. You never really know what you are going through until you are no longer in it. Highsight is 20/20. When we started dating, he was extremely romantic, thoughtful, attentive, and endearing. He was too good to be true. Now I know that too good to be true can sometimes be what a narcissist looks like. I now realize that he systematically, slowly, broke down my self-esteem and sense of self-worth until I was fully dependent upon his approval. I compromised who I was as a person and the basic tenets of what made me happy in order to make him happy. I gave him so much of myself that when the relationship ended, I felt empty. 

After we broke up, I moved back to California with my parents. I blamed myself for so long for the relationship ending, thinking if I had done things differently maybe we would still be together. The hardest part about my experience was letting go. I could not accept the fact that the future I wanted with him was not going to happen. I wanted to marry this guy and start a family with him. I almost did. I was pregnant last summer (2018)  and although every part of me wanted to keep the baby, deep down it didn't feel right. At the time I felt like the choice was taken away from me, because he had his mind set termination. I now know that there was no right or wrong choice, I made the best decision I could make at the time. I had an abortion and I went through it alone. That is when I knew, the person I put on a pedestal and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, was completely wrong for me. If it weren't for my family, I would not be here today. Their unconditional support and love helped me pull myself out of a very dark place. They helped me get back on my feet and supported my decision of going back to school. My very close friends also helped me tremendously, by being a shoulder to cry on and listening to me vent for hours. I was able to handle my situation by spending quality time with family and friends, traveling, getting in touch with my spirituality again, and by focusing on my health, life and career goals. 

Emotional and mental abuse is more insidious than other abuses and just as damaging. Through this type of persecution, my partner attacked my very soul -- using words and mannerisms that caused much pain and suffering. I forgave him though and forgave myself in order to find peace and move on. I tried to stay friends with him but my boundaries kept being disrespected, therefore had to cut off communication. I still care and love him very deeply, despite everything, and I don’t blame him for everything that happened, after all I was the one who allowed the mistreat because I was not strong enough to put a stop to it and I kept fighting for someone who was okay with losing me. He probably has his own issues in which he projected onto me. I actually wish him the best and pray he finds peace. I also thank him for what he taught me.  I never thought I could let go of someone who meant the world to me ...yet here I am healing, moving on, falling out of love with him and falling back in love myself and life. Because of this experience, I love myself more and know I deserve more. I experienced covert emotional and mental abuse: its power and control, and the damaging impact that had on my mental health. I want to share my story to raise awareness of the serious nature of this type of abuse, the impact it has on mental health and to help other victims feel like they are not alone. Because YOU are not alone. The way someone treats you doesn’t determine your value. Forgive yourself the same way you forgive others. Treat yourself with the same kindness you give to others. Love yourself the same way you love others. You need the same energy you give to others.