H.K.

My transition into college was just like every other student’s. It felt like I was suddenly thrown into this unfamiliar environment with strangers far away from my hometown and family. My ongoing struggle with anxiety did not make this transition any easier for me. My life changed so suddenly and I felt like I had no control over anything anymore. That is when I started to heavily control and restrict my food intake. This tricked me into thinking that I was gaining control of my life again. That is when my eating disorder started. 

My eating disorder controlled my life throughout my first year of college. It became a coping mechanism for me. It was something that I would rely on when I would feel stressed or upset. During that time I did not tell anybody about the constant war that was going on in my head. I strongly believed that I could handle it on my own. I thought that at some point my eating disorder would just go away.

Starting my second year of college, my eating disorder started to come in sporadic waves.  Sometimes I felt like I had control when other times I felt like I was spiraling. At the start of the spring quarter of my second year, it was a time where I felt like I had complete control over my eating disorder. Unfortunately, after an unexpected breakup I relapsed and officially hit rock bottom. I was consumed with guilt from that relapse to a point where I became physically ill. I was sick to the point where I could barely get out of bed for most of May and June. I was alone because I had this massive wall built up around me. I felt incredibly isolated because nobody had any idea what was going on inside of my mind. At rock bottom was where I realized that I should not have to live my life like this. I should not fight my demons alone.

With all of the strength that I had left in me, I pulled myself out of that dark place. My healing started with me finally accepting the fact that my eating disorder and anxiety should not dictate my life anymore. I was ready to bring my walls down so I started to go to therapy. At my first session I opened up completely about my eating disorder that I was hiding for way too long. At that time, I also started to meet with a nutritionist so I could start to gain a healthier relationship with food. 

Later I began to share my story with my friends and family. Telling all of them about my eating disorder was one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. They could not have been more supportive and I am so beyond thankful for that. Words cannot describe how free I felt after sharing this secret with them. It felt like I finally took off that mask that I was hiding behind for two years. Recovering from this eating disorder has been a difficult process. Some days I feel like I can take on the world while other days I trip and fall flat on my face. What matters the most is that each time I fall, I know that I have the strength to get back up again. I understand that life can be hard sometimes and it is okay to have bad days. I cannot control any of that. What I can control is how I react, my boundaries, and my mindset.

I also understand that eating disorders do not just disappear and that recovery takes a lot of hard work and resilience. No matter how many times I rise and fall, I never regret my decision to pursue recovery and treatment. I have come so far in just a few months and I have a ways to go on my journey. Every twist and turn is beyond worth it. That is because I am worth it. 

I can easily say that my journey into recovery and treatment is my proudest and most difficult accomplishment of my life. Through all of this I have been able to rediscover my confidence and personal strength. I have also been learning how to love myself again. I have come to realize that I should not regret that this has happened because it has shaped me into the strong woman that I am today. I am now celebrating the scars that my past has left me with.

By sharing my story, I am really hoping that I can make others feel less alone.  When I went through the worst of my eating disorder and anxiety struggles, I felt so isolated and alone.  A big part for feeling this way is because nobody really talks about their internal struggles. Instead we are just constantly exposed to constant highlight reels on every single social media platform. I am sharing this story for the girl who thinks that she has to fight her battles alone, because that girl was me. If these last two years have taught me anything, it is that everybody is struggling with their own hidden demons. It is just that some people hide it better than others. Whether it be a stranger or a best friend, it is incredibly important to treat every single person with complete kindness.