A.D.

Anyone who knows me knows I say “what” multiple times throughout any conversation. However, very few people really know why I can’t understand them. I have auditory processing disorder, also known as APD,  which is a disorder that affects the way I process information. I can't fully process what I hear because my ears and brain can’t coordinate. My hearing works perfectly fine but its the connection between the ears and brain that's broken. It’s basically dyslexia but for hearing. If there is background noise, I usually can hear almost nothing of what the person is saying, because my brain focuses on the other noise not the words someone is saying. It affects speaking as well because of the delay of processing information and thinking what to say.  There’s no cure or medicine, so I will have it my whole life. Years of speech therapy has helped me control it but it still affects every aspect of my life everyday. 

Academically, APD has a huge impact. Since it takes me longer than the normal person to process even a sentence and even then I might only understand half of it, sitting through an hour lecture is almost impossible. I’ve learned ways to deal with it though; making sure I always sit in the front so I won’t get distracted by background noise, and most teachers are very accommodating and give me notes or powerpoint slides before class. APD aso effects short term memory, especially if someone is giving directions or listing something verbally I usually can’t remember it. There has been so many nights we’re I’ve wanted to give up studying and wishing I could just process info easier. But I’ve learned that I always need to keep pushing through and it will be worth it at the end.

It’s also had a big impact socially. Most of my friends don’t know I suffer with this disorder. I think I’ve never really told anyone because I’m not sure how to bring it up and even if I do, I don’t think they would fully understand what I'm going through. I try to hold back on saying “what?” after every sentence but I’ve gotten good at reading lips and and using context clues. If I’m at a party with music or lots of other people talking I already accept the fact that I probably won’t be able to understand any of the conversation. I can’t even go to the movies with my friends because if I don't have captions when watching a movie or TV show I usually won't be able to understand it. I could never really get good at team sports since I could never hear anything on the field. 

I think one of my hardest experiences with APD was when I went abroad. If I couldn’t even process a conversation in English, there is no way I could process a language and then translate to english in my head. That led me to be often confused with the language barrier. I found myself lost more times than I can count not being able to communicate. We were always in a big city somewhere and with that comes lots of loud background noise. It was definitely one of the times when APD was the most prominent in my life but I was able to have the support of my friends there.

My parents didn’t tell me I had APD until I was about 9. When they told me and I read the description of symptoms I almost cried because I had always knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure out what. I was fortunate that I was able to go through years of speech therapy as I can definitely see a difference and it is more manageable now. In every aspect of life I had to try harder than the average person. I had to study an extra few hours for a test because my brain couldn't process the information fast enough, or putting so much effort into a conversation to try to get as much out of it as I could. Even though APD has had a huge effect on my life, it hasn’t been all bad. I’m the person I am today because of my struggle with it. It has been a challenge, but it has made me into a stronger person and someone who will work hard to get what she wants. I’ve learned ways to adapt to challenges thrown at me and how to get through academic and social challenges. 

I never considered posting about APD on social media, mostly because it’s pretty personal and I didn’t really want all my followers to know what I was struggling with.  I also don’t think I could really fully explain it in just a caption or post. I think most people don’t post about struggles and hard times because social media is such a hard place to be vulnerable. On social media we are usually only showing one side of us, that fun cheerful side, not showing the struggles we are going through. 

 I wanted to share my story because I think it’s important that more people know that APD exists and what it is. It’s not a rare disorder and you may have a friend who has it. Anyone also struggling with this disorder, especially at a young age, know that there are positives that come with it. That without it I would not be this strong, brave girl who is ready to face anything. I’ve learned that this disorder doesn’t define me, and truly believing in myself has led to me to become this strong person. Strength comes from struggle. Each struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. I know without this disorder and the challenges I’ve faced, I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today. I think owning your story through hard times is one of the bravest things you can do. Be yourself and love yourself because you are special and I know you can handle it too.