R.W.

On the night of March 16, 2016 my childhood unofficially ended. I was only 17 and had no idea that night would be my last in the home I had grown up in for the past 10 years. It all began at 11:05pm when I heard the frantic banging on my screen door; which happened to be a random stranger that had driven by and saw my house beginning to go up in flames. My mom told me to go wake up my brother and get out of the house immediately. I still vividly remember the terrified look on my brother’s face as I shook him awake. He didn’t believe me and I couldn’t blame him. You never think your worst nightmare could happen to you, until suddenly you’re living it. We ran out of our house and this was the first time we saw the flames coming from under our garage. By this time almost all of our neighbors had come over to help contain the fire. One of them helped my brother and I hop our fence, because the fire was blocking our exit, and he told me to “Run as far as you can because your house is about to blow up!” I think this is when everything became surreal. My brother and I were standing at the corner of our street the most terrified we had ever been. We were only in our pajamas with no shoes on and were watching our house and cars go up in flames. Not to mention we had no knowledge of where our parents were and if they were okay. It felt like hours before the fire department showed up but in reality, it was only a matter of minutes. When the fire was officially put out, my brother and I ran back to our house and were relieved to find our parents and our dogs with no injuries. I remember the first thing I said to my mom was, “Did that really just happen?” To this day I still can’t believe that I lived my worst nightmare. If only I had known the downward spiral this event would send me into. 

From that day forward, we were relocated into a hotel room for a month and then finally into a house. By that time, it was my last month of my senior year of high school and everything had changed.  I graduated high school and then the next day I left town to spend the summer in Tennessee with my grandparents. I spent my entire time in Tennessee sleeping, watching Greys Anatomy, and occasionally eating when my grandma made me come out of my room. At the time I had no idea that this is when the depression set in. I was sad because I missed my friends and my family and I was terrified of becoming an adult. For the last week of my summer I flew from Tennessee to New Jersey to spend my 18th birthday with my other grandparents. I remember feeling very conflicted during this visit. On one end I was so excited to be in NJ and felt so lucky that my grandparents had planned such an amazing trip for me. However, I also felt extremely ungrateful because all I wanted to do was spend my 18th birthday with my friends and my family back in California. Finally, after 2 months I was on my flight back to California and I was so excited to go home. I remember constantly thinking to myself, “I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed.” Then something occurred to me I didn’t have a bed. In that period of my life I had slept in a total of 5 beds, and none of them were my own. I had 3 days back at home before I moved to San Luis Obispo, then before I knew it, I was standing in the doorway of my new apartment saying goodbye to my mom.

That first month of adjusting to living on my own and starting my 1st semester of college was tough but nothing compared to what was to come. In my third month of living in SLO I was deep into my college studies, I was going through my first heartbreak, and I had acquired my first job. Very quickly it all became too much and one morning I just couldn’t get out of bed. I was fully aware that I had a full day of classes and work but I didn’t care. This went on for 3 days until I had called my mom. She said she was coming to pick me up and she wanted me to go see a therapist immediately. The therapist officially diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. I was confused as I left that appointment because while yes, I knew I was definitely depressed, I didn’t feel like I had anxiety. However, that night proved me wrong. My mom had picked me up and took me home. Within hours of being home I began to feel like I was having an allergic reaction so I decided to take a shower and hopefully wash away the allergens. That was the worst shower of my life. I was mid shampoo when I was almost positive I could feel my throat closing up so, naturally I ran out of the shower to my mom and told her exactly that. She immediately took me to urgent care and there was a long wait, but I told my mom “I feel like I’m going to die!” A nurse came and took me to the back where she checked all my vitals and informed me I was perfectly fine. My throat was not closing up, my oxygen level was at a 100%, and I had just experienced my 1st anxiety attack. That was something I never wanted to experience ever again. I was so determined to make sure a night like that never happened again that I changed the way I was living. I dropped a class, quit my job and began to go to monthly therapy sessions. All of these things combined allowed huge improvement in my life. I was less stressed, I was happier, and I finally began to feel like myself again.

Though this time in my life was undoubtedly the hardest, I’m so thankful for what I went through. This stage taught me so much about myself and most importantly allowed me to grow. Truly you grow through what you go through. I started going to monthly therapy sessions, I adjusted my diet, started to work out, but most importantly I learned to take everything day by day. Focus on the now, not the past or the future. My anxiety stemmed from many things but the biggest thing was that I was worried about the future. While it is important to set goals and work towards your dreams, it’s also important to live in the now. Everything that’s meant to be will be and once you realize that, its honestly a huge relief. I wouldn’t have gotten through this difficult time in life without my incredible support system. My friends and family were there to remind me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, to love me and give me shoulders to cry on, but most importantly put me back on my feet. I learned that pain and hardships are only temporary, and if you believe in yourself you can get through anything.

Funny thing is if you look back on my social media during this time you will see no evidence of hard times but instead; selfies, pictures with friends, and the occasional sunset with a positive quote. So why is it that our generation feels we can’t share what we’re actually going through? For me, it was almost as if because I didn’t post about it, it wasn’t real. It was so much easier to paint a picture of my life through photos that were a fantasy, rather than be vulnerable and real. I could scroll through my “perfect” feed and feel good about my life and nobody would worry about me. I didn’t want to share my hardship because I knew that everyone had struggles of their own and shouldn’t have to carry mine on top of theirs. However, believe it or not talking through our hardships actually improves them. I’d say that 9 times out of ten when we talk about our problems at least one person has gone through what we are currently going through, and will be able to offer advice and help us on our journey to conquering our hardship. So that is my advice for anyone who is struggling with depression or anxiety or frankly anything. Talk. It. Out. Share your story or hardship with anyone who will listen. This will help your confidence because you will realize you aren’t alone and you will be able to gain perspective, perhaps a happier and less permanent perspective than what you’re able to see. Remind yourself daily that you deserve to live nothing less than a life full of happiness.