C.V.

Every night the sheets felt like sand paper scrapping across my body as I turned side to side, never being able to find comfort. When my body would get exhausted and my eyes would close, it would not be long until I woke to shear panic; my heart pounding in my chest and dry sweat that suffocated me to a point where I was choking on the air. With little to no sleep and trying to balance an internship and school along with exercise and a balanced diet, I was overwhelmed to say the least. I lost my closest friends during winter quarter. They all questioned me and made me feel invaluable. I struggled to find happiness. I had been living this way for 6 months. It all began one morning when I woke up covered in bruises the shape of handprints and multiple broken ribs. I thought that if I ignored what happened I would not have to deal with it. Sadly, things were just getting worse and I was suffocating in the sadness. On a particular day the absence of happiness left a pit in my stomach that I could not shake.

A spontaneous decision, I wrote a post on a private Facebook page that serves as a message board for prayers and advice set up by my high school. Immediately, I was overtaken by a wave of support. The Director of Theology at my former high school messaged me saying, “it is not a journey to be walked alone. You need someone who knows how to help you through this. Life is too short to suffer. Please know you are in my prayers and that you are loved.” To hear those words from someone left me speechless. I remember reading over the message repeatedly as I sat in class until my eyes swelled shut as I tried to hold back tears. All of a sudden, the girl sitting next to me grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. No words were necessary. This was when I started to feel strength again. Enough strength to suck up my tears, walk back to my dorm, and call my mom. 

I had not told my mom what happened until this moment. My stomach was in knots that tensed as the phone rang with my hand shaking against my cheek. She knew something was wrong the second she picked up the phone. I felt so much relief in being able to tell her. I grew up really close with my mom and feeling like I couldn’t talk to her about this broke my heart and prevented me from beginning my healing process. 

I started talking to a therapist and was almost immediately diagnosed with PTSD insomnia, ADD, and depression. At this point, I was not in a good place. I struggled every morning to get myself out of bed. I was having panic attacks when I caught a glimpse of him around campus, I was struggling through school, and I was having a hard time keeping healthy relationships. The PTSD alone was debilitating. I was suffering from hallucinations, flashbacks, night terrors and panic attacks. I was usually getting about 2 flashbacks and one hallucination a day. Because of the anxiety associated with PTSD, my heart rate was so accelerated on campus that I usually had to go home and rest before I could keep going with my day. My insomnia had me waking up 10-15 times in the middle of the night and getting, on average, 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I was so on guard when I was on campus that I was not able to focus or take tests to my full ability and in turn, my grades suffered.

With the emergence of social media there are thousands of hashtags that capture this thought, #YoubeYou, #Shakethehaters, #Bebolder, #BeYourBestSelf, and #Followyourbliss are just a few. Sadly, it is easier to articulate than to live. For me, the mantra of finding my own happiness affects every aspect of my life.  It truly takes focus spiritually, physically, and mentally.

Spiritually, it took me on a journey to reach out to God and find peace in the event so I could start to heal internally. I found that I had strayed from my faith during this time, and I needed to focus on rebuilding my relationship with God in order to be able to forgive.

Physically, controlling my happiness is centered in eating right, exercising, and taking care of my body. I have begun a daily practice of hot yoga that has allowed me to develop self-love through meditation and hatha yoga, a yoga practice that focuses on breathing control.

Mentally is the toughest one. It is not only working on my own mental health and accepting what happened, but it is about making clear and rational choices about my relationships. I am more careful about who I trust. In the mantra of “You control your own happiness”, the most important word is “control.” Control is empowering, and when you recognize that you have the control to be happy, then your focus becomes clear and measured. I am now also training a service dog for myself to bring to campus to help control my anxiety. She bring so much joy into my life and makes waking up every day so easy.

During their time in college, 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this statistic through the countless sexual assault presentations that students at Cal Poly SLO are required to attend. I, like many other incoming freshmen in the room, did not believe it would ever be me. I am still not completely healed. It has been almost two years and I still struggle. However, because of this I am a survivor.

If you or someone you know is looking for resources here are some available at Cal Poly and to the greater San Luis Obispo community. If you are seeking resources, you can reach the Cal Poly Counseling Center, located in building 27 room 135, by calling (805)756-1211. The Cal Poly Counseling Center is confidential and offers counseling by professionals. If you feel more comfortable speaking with students your age, Safer is a confidential support service that addresses sexual assault and is unique to Cal Poly. Their office is located in the University Union in room 217. You can contact them at safer@calpoly.edu or (805)756-2282. If you are part of the San Luis Obispo community and looking for resources, I urge you to reach out to RISE. RISE is a nonprofit organization for advocacy, education, and sexual and intimate partner violence resoucres. RISE provides crisis intervention as well as treatment services to those effected by sexual and intimate partner violence. Their office is located at 51 Zaca Lane #100, San Luis Obispo, CA 93401. They also have a 24-hour toll-free support hotline that you can reach at (855)886-RISE(7473).