C.B.

I have struggled with my mental health for a long time. Since even before high school, anxiety and depression almost controlled me. I sought therapy in high school and thought I was fine once I came to college. By sophomore year, I came to realize that I was severely mistaken. My grades were dropping drastically as my motivation thinned out. Everyday was its own obstacle, getting out of my bed was an accomplishment on its own. I had no motivation to wake up everyday, do things I was previously passionate about, or to take care of myself. I isolated myself from my closest friends and spent a lot of my time crying for seemingly no reason or being emotionally numb afterwards. Because I wasn’t doing well in school, I further beat myself up over my failures and this cycle continued throughout the year. It felt like a pit of darkness and loneliness and my academic failures only made me feel like I deserved to stay in it. I had really lost my will to do anything for myself. I couldn’t get myself to tell anyone about how I was really feeling because I felt embarrassed and/or weak. I managed to keep the facade for most people but some of my closest friends noticed something was up. I didn’t even know what to tell them so I isolated myself and pushed them away, figuring they didn’t need another problem to deal with. My sister somewhat knew my situation, but there was only so much she could do to help me from across the country. 

The hardest part of this all was that I just felt stuck and didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even thought about seeking help because I kept tricking myself into thinking I was fine and I would get over it in a couple days. However, this continued for months. I was also in a position where I didn’t feel like I could ever not be okay. I was supposed to have my life together! I was involved and held leadership positions and I was supposed to be silly, sassy, girl I always was. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be this positive, perfect person who could try do it all with zero problems. It wasn’t realistic and it wasn’t healthy. It took my mom finding out about how I was doing for me to finally admit I had to do something about it. 

I handled this by getting professional help, thanks to my mom. After therapy, a breakup, developing better self-care habits, ups and downs, and then finally regaining my motivation, I was able to reevaluate my priorities and somehow I was able to place myself, and my wellbeing, at the top of the list. This took a lot of work from me, help from my therapist, and love from my family and some very close friends. I’ve learned a lot about mindfulness and that it really is okay to not be okay sometimes. I don’t beat myself for having bad days. I know myself a lot better now, what I need, and how to get it. My friends and family were so supportive and vital in helping me reach this point. Without my best friends at school, I don’t think I’d be able to share my story today. They listened to me cry and rant and ramble, help me get help, and gave me a reason to get up everyday at school. They never complained, if anything they reached out to my family to help me more. I couldn’t be more grateful for them. 

There were a few reasons I felt like I couldn’t share any of this on social media. I didn’t want to be seen as attention-seeking, I didn’t even know if anyone would care, and I didn’t even know what I would say. I find that people are so often dehumanized over social media, and it’s very easy to disconnect their curated image from the person they really are. Sometimes people are just reduced to what they share online, and I didn’t want to be reduced to my mental illness. I wanted to be so much more than that. 

Although I do think people, especially millennials, are opening up to the notion of being more real about their life’s ups and downs on social media, there is still a long way to go in terms of being genuine and transparent about one’s struggles. I now know of so many different resources that pertained to me and people in positions similar to mine, I wouldn’t have a problem sharing my struggles online. Of course, this is easier said than done and it’s much easier to say after the fact, now that I’m much healthier. I don’t cry everyday anymore, and I have a much more positive outlook on my future. I have regained interest in school, am happily involved in many organizations, and spend time with friends and family who give me true joy. I even had my highest GPA of my college career last quarter! If I were to share this on social media today, I’m sure I would get a lot of positive reactions and messages of support. I have been way more open about my struggles with others in real life. The only way to reduce the stigma around mental illness to talk about and so I figure since I am now comfortably able to, it’s almost my duty to do so. 

To other people and women going through similar adversities, I would say to keep going! For me, being mindful was the best thing. I stopped focusing on always trying to be happy and instead tried to understand why I was feeling that way and completely acknowledge my emotions. I embrace my sadness and happiness and move from there. There is nowhere to go but up, and it’s always worth a try - we are all worth a try. Life has too much to offer to give up so soon. We’re loved so much more than we know, so keep on keeping on!