M.D.

On May 11th, 2018, I was sexually assaulted. Little did I know at the time, but this experience would change my world forever. We now talk about supporting survivors, bystander intervention, and prevention techniques because of things like the #MeToo movement, but we never discuss the issues a survivor will face after an incident of Gender and Power Based Violence (GPBV) occurs. Your brain has been evolutionarily designed to protect your body. We mostly see this in the well-known “Fight or Flight” response. The one aspect of this primeval technique that we do not discuss is the “Freeze” response. That is what I did. I froze. That is the one thing I still struggle to understand.

My life turned upside down almost immediately. I was afraid to leave the house. I over-thought the smallest details including my outfit, how short my skirts were, and how people perceived me. I was triggered by the smallest instances. One time when I was walking home, I passed by someone who wore the same cologne as my perpetrator and I immediately began having a panic attack. Routine, everyday tasks became more difficult; walking to school, talking to friends, doing homework, and even cooking food. The hardest part of this experience was the effect it had on my social life and my perception of myself. I fell into a severe depression and a couple of months later, I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I no longer had the will to live. I was convinced that I did not deserve to live. I thought that I was a burden to everyone else. I struggled to find motivation. I lost friends. I spent a lot more time alone. In the Winter quarter of 2019, I attempted suicide three different times. I convinced myself that everyone else would be better off without me. 

Now I know that this is not true. Now I know that I am not alone. Now I am here to tell my story so other people who are going through similar situations know that they are not alone. I struggled to post my story on social media because I thought no one would understand. Everyone on social media looks like they have a perfect life. They are happy, they have friends and loved ones, and they are going on fun adventures that I was too scared to attempt. I felt like I could not share what I was going through because no one would understand or even care. The only thing I showed on my social media was the happy and positive things because that is all I thought people wanted to see. 

The one thing I wish I could have done differently is to share my story as I was working through it. The road to recovery was the hardest. I began going to therapy every week. I joined a group therapy session for survivors. I began taking antidepressant and high anxiety medications, but I was still struggling to recover from the trauma I experienced. Now I understand that recovery is not a straight line and that it is okay to experience setbacks. I felt like every time I got to a good space, something would knock me down again. For example, when I got to a space where I felt I could report my experience to Title IX, the process of Title IX reporting changed. If I chose to report to Title IX, I would now have to tell my story in front of the perpetrator and his advocate or attorney and they would have the opportunity to cross-examine me. Once I recovered from that blow, my roommate’s abusive boyfriend moved into my apartment without my consent. My roommate’s boyfriend continued to threaten me and tell me I was a spoiled b*tch who didn’t deserve to live. Now almost 1 year and 6 months later, I can say that I have made significant strides to be in a better place than where I was even a couple of months ago. I have made big strides, but I am still working on recovering every day and that is okay. I want to say to anyone going through a similar situation that it is okay, you are not alone. Times may seem hard right now, but they will get better. You will have the craziest of ups and downs, but you will grow to become so much stronger. There will be days when you do not cry and there will be days when you cry almost all day. Lastly, I want to say that you are valuable. Right now, you may not see the value in yourself and you might think that no one cares. But I am here to tell you that you matter, and that I care. 

Overall, I think this was a learning experience for me. Even though this is a trauma that I would not wish on anyone else, I am thankful for what it has taught me. I am stronger now than I ever was before. I have had many opportunities that would not have been presented to me had this not happened. I have found my passion for education and prevention. I am the Chief Learning Officer of my sorority. In this position, I get to educate my chapter on issues such as Gender and Power Based Violence and Mental Health. I also get to support other members of my chapter in what they are going through and experiencing. Most importantly, I get to teach new members that it is okay to be vulnerable and experience issues with their mental health.

I now have the opportunity to work with Cal Poly SAFER. Cal Poly SAFER is an organization that educates our campus on the prevalence of Gender and Power Based Violence on our campus and how to prevent it. SAFER also has a full-time advocate, Shelby, who I saw while I was working through my sexual assault experience and trying to recover. I am an Educational Intern who gets to teach people about how to prevent Gender and Power Based Violence and I get to do primary prevention work on my campus. I am working to put together a tell-all performance for my music senior project. In this recital, I will be performing works by women that empower women. In the second act of my senior recital, I will be telling my story through monologue and music. I will also be working with a peer educator from EROS to create a website to educate people on the importance of relationships -healthy, toxic and abusive- and how to understand the effects of trauma in terms of interpersonal relationships. 

Lastly, I am a Girl Who Handles It.