M.C.

For the past year and eight months of my life, I have been battling my perpetrator in an intense Title IX case. Having been sexually assaulted by one of my first friends in college, first quarter of Freshman year, has been a very hard pill for me to swallow. My college experience could have looked a lot different than it does. The assault has impacted my ability to thrive as a student, tainted my major, caused many mental health problems, and affected many relationships. 

After the assault, life turned upside down for me pretty quickly as I was diagnosed with severe manic depression, PTSD, and anxiety. The Title IX case and my depleting mental health became the center of my focus as I tried to function again as a “normal” human being. Having to relive the trauma as I shared my story with the Title IX coordinator, SAFER, the Office of Student Rights and Responsibilities, therapists, etc. was very exhausting. After the initial reporting from my side, the opportunity for him to tell his side of things, and my rebuttal to his infuriating lies, the case turned to witnesses. Between each step, was an absurd amount of waiting and reflecting on incident. The investigation started to feel like a whole other course load as I spent so much of my time gathering evidence, witnesses, and analyzing every minute of that night. Title IX took their time interviewing witnesses and before I knew it, after countless extensions and the case heating up, everything changed. 

In December 2018, they put my case on a litigation hold because my perpetrator filed a lawsuit against the school after finding out his degrees were placed on hold. During that hold period, the new rules for Title IX came out and my case was to be remanded back to campus. Title IX basically told me that I can either start an early resolution process where I have to make an agreement with my perpetrator on terms for him to get his degrees, or I would have to do an in-person cross examination hearing. After going back and forth a few times trying to agree on terms with my perpetrator, I knew that there was no way we would ever come to a mutual agreement and I was not going to settle for anything less than the terms that I had come up with. So, on June 28th 2019, the hearing took place. This day was probably the hardest day of my life. Sitting in the same room as your perpetrator for 6 hours is an experience I would never wish upon anyone. Knowing that he was just on the other side of the barricade the Title IX coordinators created and having to hear that slimy, disgusting voice over and over again was so difficult. After what felt like an eternity, the hearing was over and for the next 24 hours I felt the most physically and mentally drained I have ever been. After a few weeks, I soon found out that the judge ruled in my favor and had found a clear violation! I felt like I was on top of the world. All my hard work and fighting had led me to this point. Naturally, my celebrations only lasted so long. Which brings us to present day. After my perpetrator wrote a 33 page appeal with his lawyer, the final determination has yet to be made. I still await the determination from the CSU-level Title IX coordinators with another “30-working-days” determination extension. 

Luckily after the assault I was pointed to SAFER, on campus, where I was able to share my story in a safe space and they helped me report through Title IX. Through SAFER, I was able to gain not only an amazing advocate, but a friend. Shelby, my advocate, has given me so many tools and empowered me to use my voice and fight for some power back. I also have found support in many of my amazing friends, family, and professors, without whom I would not be this far in my healing process. In addition, I was very lucky to stumble across a Survivors group on campus that gave me a space to share my thoughts without feeling like I was being judged because everyone in the room had felt or were feeling the same things. 

Although my Title IX case is still ongoing, I feel like I have proven to myself over and over again that I am a strong woman. I have fought so hard to speak my truth and get some power back from this awful situation. It has given me the courage to have these hard conversations, reach out to other survivors, speak up for myself, and embrace the person I am becoming. Healing is in no way linear, but I know that everyday I am making steps in the right direction. 

Taking about sexual assault in general is a heavy topic and unfortunately has been pretty controversial in the news. But, there have been so many brave women in the news coming forward and sharing their stories as they fight for justice after years of being silent, and it has been so inspiring. I have always feared people not believing my story and I was worried I would be looked at differently for something I didn’t ask to happen. Social media and the culture surrounding it never seems to address the day to day struggles in someone's life but rather glorifies people's happiness and day-to-day lives. The real issues and topics are suppressed because people don’t know how to talk about serious issues.

To all the strong women out there who are going through it right now, don’t be afraid to ask for help or rely on others for support. It takes a brave person to ask for help, so be brave for yourself. You are not alone. You are a lot stronger than you think. “ She was powerful, not because she was scared but because she went on strongly, despite the fear.” - Atticus