E.K.

A few years ago, I was raped by my then-boyfriend of a few months. While all actions were initially consensual, I decided soon after it started that I no longer wanted to partake. When my statements to stop were ignored, I grew weak and numb and unable to move from shock and confusion of why he wouldn’t listen to me. I had been involved with this person for some time and had really trusted them and thus I convinced myself he could not possibly have heard me and it was all a misunderstanding. However, immediately after it was over, he said something that made it clear that he was aware I had not consented.

This traumatic event has affected all aspects of my life. I was afraid to share what had happened to me with anyone for some time for various reasons. Having the weight of this information on my shoulders largely affected my ability to concentrate on normal daily tasks. Once I was able to share what had happened with those closest to me, I no longer felt alone and realized that I was able to rely on my loving support system. Sharing my story was also the beginning of being able to once again truly open up and trust the ones I am closest to.

Dealing with my sexual assault has been a long and painful process and is something that I am still coping with even now, nearly two years later. Initially, I managed to push the memory out of my mind and even convinced myself that maybe it wasn’t that bad because we had been dating and we had other shared memories with positive connotations that masked or diluted that really bad and scary event. As time passed, I dissociated from all of those memories and recognized just how much that event had affected me. I became burdened by what happened to me and the fact that no one else knew. I felt myself crumbling under the weight of what happened. I felt as helpless in my everyday life as I had felt during the event. For some time, I couldn’t get myself to stop the automatic replay button in my mind that would have me continuously recount the thoughts and feelings and tears from the event.

I became frustrated with myself that I had become frozen and that I hadn’t tried to do more than just verbally say “no” during the event itself. Additionally, I couldn’t understand why the trauma was affecting me during what felt like completely random instances at random moments throughout every day. I would be in the produce isle of the grocery store and suddenly become extremely numb or sad or frightened. I found myself scared to be alone with males in rooms and feared seeing my ex whenever I was studying at my favorite coffee shop near campus that he also attended. I felt like I had to avoid areas I used to frequent because he might be there. I began to believe something was wrong with me because I was so used to being genuinely happy all of the time and suddenly became unable to control these new, unwanted emotions and reactions to my trauma. I hated knowing that all of these feelings were evoked from an event where I had no control over what was happening to my body. Additionally, I felt that I had to suppress all of these feelings to appear as if I was okay to an unknowing world. 

Eventually it became too much to negate my feelings and what I was going through and I told a few of my closest friends. I was so relieved to share what had happened and to receive unwavering support. While visiting home one weekend, my mom had noticed something was on my mind. I shared with her what had happened to me. She was there for me and told me that something similar happened to her when she was my age too, which shocked me. It made me realize that everyone, even the person I look up to the most, carries burdens of some sort, often similar to mine, that no one else knows about them. While it saddened me, because I don’t wish this on anyone, it also made me realize that I’m not alone. 

Attending the previous Girls Who Handle It event and reading stories that I could relate to has inspired me to share my story with those closest to me and now with other strong women who may be able to relate to my story with experiences of their own. Through my coping process, I have found that sharing my story with my friends and family gave them the information they needed to support and love me and I know that I couldn’t have gone through this without them.

Sharing my story is important to me because I want everyone who has had a similar experience to mine know that they are not alone. It took me a really long time to grapple with the idea that this was not something to be ashamed of because it was not my choice and thus not my fault. It felt very personal to me because it was my physical body that had been violated. I am learning to fully love and trust myself again and remind myself that it is in no way my fault. I want to be an advocate for self-expression and finding comfort in your support system to ease the trauma that stems from sexual assault. I want everyone to know that non-consensual sexual activity is never okay and that it is not something to be questioned or debated. For me, it took a whole year to come out and share what had happened to me with my loving support system and I know it is extremely difficult to share or cope with.

I have never talked about my rape and how I am dealing with it on social media. Initially, I was afraid that talking about this event on social media would impede my typical demeanor and portray me as someone who is “flawed” or “has problems” and I don’t want anyone I know to think differently of me because of what happened. I have also feared that people who know the person who did this to me will not believe me or not care because they trust this person, as I did when it happened. After lots of reflection, I know that these fears are either not true or worries that I don’t actually care about. I am still learning to give myself positive affirmations and remind myself that this event was totally out of my control. 

At this point in my life, with work towards being more okay, I am overall so much happier than I ever have been. This doesn’t come without tough days. It has been a long and slow work in progress to find a balance between being in my comfort zone of being a happy and cheerful person and being able to open up to myself and others about my sadness from the trauma. But through the coping process, I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined, which I am so proud of myself for. I believe sharing my story through this Girls Who Handle It event is the first great step towards actively sharing my story with others on a broader scale.