S.N.

Ever since about the age of ten, I have struggled with the effects of being a daughter of a severe alcoholic. My father’s addiction was something I never could really understand. I used to be so disconcerted as to how the man you are supposed to look up to can treat his family so terribly. How he can choose the bottle time and time again over a relationship with his children. How he can look me, his own daughter, in the eyes and tell me he doesn't want to live anymore and to leave him alone. I used to think he drank to escape from my family and me. I then realized it wasn't us at all - he is battling a disease that no one but himself can do anything about. 

In the past 4 years, my dad has lost multiple jobs, has received a DUI, and has been to the hospital and detox centers more times than I can count. This past year I had taken him to the hospital twice because he began to experience tremors which honestly had me thinking he was drinking himself to death. That thought was sadly not farfetched from reality. Upon arriving at the hospital that first time, the doctor informed me he was only a couple levels away from entering diabetic coma. See supplementary to his addiction as well as his bipolar disorder, my father has high blood pressure and diabetes and thus when he binges, he doesn't take any of that medication that he so desperately needs. 

One of the most difficult things to witness is watching someone you love willingly to throw their life away. When he is in this bingeing state, he is a man I am not proud to call my father. He chooses to let the inner beast take over and in return deliberately burns the bridges with my siblings and anybody that is trying to help. I've always thought that maybe us kids could be the light that pulls him out of his darkness. That if we kept forgiving him for the damaging things he has said and done and kept being persistent enough to try to get him to be active in our lives, that maybe he would want to take care of his own life. Unfortunately, that is not how it is nor how it will probably ever be. 

Getting to this realization and overcoming my fear that I might one day receive a call with the news that this addiction took my dad’s life, is something that causes me a lot of distress on the daily. Being 200 miles away from home, I find that I sometimes try to detach from the situation and forget as best I can how much hurt this experience has surfaced.  As much as I have tried in the past however, I still get dragged right back in even being 200 miles away, after especially remembering he really has no one else. I then sometimes feel as if it is my responsibility to check in on him, have groceries delivered to him when he’s not eating, and to try to make him see that his life is worth living. I want him to want to live and at times I feel guilty and feel as though maybe I can do more to help him see that. In reality though, that cannot happen. In speaking to family members, friends and my therapist about my situation I have begun to see that my father's addiction and the consequences of this addiction is something that I should not feel guilty for. It is his own life and he has got to want it himself and want the help if any change is going to be made. As much as I may think it seems, it is not all on me to save him and no child should ever feel like they have to bear that responsibility. 

In opening up about my experiences, I have also begun to understand that this experience has definitely translated to other areas of my life. I’ve realized that I have an insane amount of trust issues and subconsciously tend to feel like I have to take care of the people around me. I have been doing it for so long sometimes I forget that that isn’t my responsibility. Everybody is responsible for their own lives and what they make of it. I am not saying being a caretaker is entirely a bad thing, I care hard for every single person in my life. This trait however, can sometimes put self-love on the back burner. With the help of my support system, I have learned that self-love is so critical to healing and that we have to strive to always put ourselves and our own mental health first, no matter how difficult it may be.

In today’s society, it may be easy to feel like we cannot share the uttermost important things happening in our lives in fear of being a burden on our loved ones. It may just be easier to fake a smile, go to a concert, post about it on social media and pretend like you are alright, you know since we are constantly around friends and fun in college, right? Hell, I have been there sister...so many times. But what I have learned is that no matter where you're at in life, it is absolutely okay to not be okay. It is okay to forgive but to not forget. There is a beauty to opening up and sharing your heart with the people and world around you. Your stories are a part of who you are. Your battle scars resemble the strength and fight you so badass-ly put up to be where you are today. You are a girl that handles it but remember you do not have to handle it alone.