J.F.

Right before the start of my junior year of high school, my dad was diagnosed with a rare, and ultimately terminal, form of cancer that affected both his brain and his spine. The school year as a whole was absolutely draining; I would visit him in the hospital so many times a week after school and on the weekends. It was so hard on me to watch him suffer, even though we weren’t very close. My life became black and white as became depressed without knowing it, had less motivation in school, and became angry at the world around me. The doctors never had anything good to say about his condition and as my dad went through treatment after treatment, I began to understand that he would never get better. 

Throughout my junior year, I tried very hard to not lose sight of what was important to me. I knew that if I let my academics slip, I wouldn’t get into any good colleges. I knew that if I became closed off to the people around me, I might lose some of my best friends. All of this happened not too long after my parents got divorced during my sophomore year. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship between my parents, so I was glad when they eventually split. My dad treated her very poorly and they fought constantly, so home never felt very safe or happy. However, because my mom was the one who wanted the divorce and was ultimately the one who ended their marriage, she constantly felt as if my dad’s sickness was brought about by his stress during the divorce. Because of that, she felt that it was her fault he got sick and she still to this day feels that way. She’s an astounding woman though and did not hold any grudges against my father once he got sick. She spent hours on top of hours with him in the hospital, talking to his doctors and nurses, and trying to do her own research to see what was going on. With time, her life began to slowly revolve around his condition and she became extremely sad as well.

Despite the efforts of many doctors, nurses, and my mom, my dad passed away in June of 2016 after being taken off life support. To me, this still sometimes feels unreal. Most people will experience the death of a parent once they are parents. I experienced it at 16 years old. While traumatic, it was an experience that pushed me to mature quickly and reprioritize my life. It was scary to see how people can pass away unexpectedly and at a younger age than usual, so I knew that I needed to focus on the important things in my life. I put more effort into friendships that I genuinely cared about, and I made sure to value things more than I might have before.

Since then, my mom has also battled cancer during my senior year. She beat it, but there was a recurrence this past summer, and she is currently battling again, but doing well. While this is equally as challenging, I have more optimism and feel that my mom will beat cancer completely. It’s hard for me to be in SLO because I’m far from her and can’t help her as much as I would like, but I know my younger sister is helping her out at home. 

Throughout all of this that has happened within my life, I know that my best friends have been the sole reason that I was able to handle it. I have such an amazing support system back home that I am forever grateful for. My best friends were constantly checking up on me, making more efforts to make me happier, and were always there to listen to all of my worries, stresses, and confusion. Throughout everything that went on, I really learned about the value of talking to others about your problems. Finding those that genuinely cared and would listen to me was the most therapeutic thing I could’ve done for myself during that time. I didn’t want to turn to a therapist, even though in retrospect, I probably should have for professional help. I am still so grateful for all my friends for keeping me positive and on the right track. Without them, I definitely would not be as happy as I am today. 

Everything that I endured was not something I wanted to post on Instagram. I was sad, confused, and in a constant state of panic and paranoia. My Instagram was and still is a place for positive experiences that I like to share with my followers. With over 1000 followers, I obviously don’t know all of them personally. Because of this, I don’t feel comfortable sharing deep feelings or thoughts on my account since it puts me in a very vulnerable position to have strangers know about what I’m going through. This applies to many people on a broader scale as well. I have friends whose parents have battled through cancer before and their accounts certainly don’t reveal all of the nights they stayed up helplessly crying.

If I were to share all of this on my social media, it would definitely be a lot of dark pictures of either my bed or myself crying, in all honesty. The times that I was the saddest were at night and in bed, when I was reflecting on everything and felt helpless since this disease was taking the life of my own dad and I couldn’t do anything about it. I feel that if I posted things like that, it would have a positive effect on those people struggling through something similar since they wouldn’t feel as alone. However, all of the people that follow me just to see what I’m up to would probably become really uncomfortable seeing me post myself sad and distraught. 

As a piece of advice to someone going through my experience or anything similar, I would say find the people that make you the happiest. You can always use a shoulder to cry on and shouldn’t feel selfish using a bit of someone else’s positive energy in order to make yourself a bit happier. Sometimes, you need to put your mental health first, and that’s okay.